Harmless
by Casix Thistlebane
Summary: Xander and Giles wake up one morning to find themselves operating within un-, sub-, or supernatural forces....


title: Harmless, a play in 3 acts  
author: Casix Thistlebane  
  
disclaimer: the characters aren't mine, and the  
inspiration is all Tom Stoppard's.  
  
spoilers: much of fourth season. takes place before  
"Yoko factor"  
  
summary: Xander and Giles wake up one morning to find  
themselves operating within un-, sub-, or supernatural  
forces....  
  
Harmless  
  
Act 1  
(The audience enters on a "blue stage", looking in on  
a dim living room. Center stage stands a couch facing  
upstage, and a coffee table just downstage of that;  
there's an alcove into the kitchen on stage left, and  
stairs to a lofted bedroom stage right. A window  
looking out on a small yard is at the back. A dining  
table is near the kitchen, and is covered completely  
in various books of every size, shape, and age. The  
coffee table is similarly littered, and a large, empty  
pizza box sits on top of the carnage. Various cans  
and cups are scattered about. There is an arm draped  
over the back of the couch, presumably that of  
whomever is lying on it. As the audience enters and  
sits, the arm is at first perfectly still, then slowly  
begins to move back and forth across the back of the  
couch. The house lights dim, and whomever it is  
begins to moan softly, rubbing the couch more...  
seductively. After a long moment for this to sink in,  
footsteps are heard on the stairs, and GILES enters.   
He yawns expansively, stretches his arms, mutters, and  
wanders slowly across the room towards the kitchen,  
apparently never noticing the arm's actions, or the  
increasing volume of the moans. He pauses just in  
front of the coffee table, seems to think for a  
moment, then moves to correct his path.... directly  
into the coffee table. He curses, and the arm jerks.   
The moaning cuts off sharply, and XANDER appears from  
behind the couch.)  
  
XANDER: Giles?  
  
(GILES ignores this, and continues over to the  
kitchen, bumping into the dinning table as well on his  
way. He fumbles into the kitchen, grabs a pot of old  
coffee, sniffs it, shrugs, and downs a large gulp. He  
then turns and starts fumbling his way back across the  
room.)  
  
XANDER: Giles.  
  
(GILES still doesn't respond. He's got the coffee pot  
in one hand, and as he walks by the couch, he pats  
XANDER's hand reassuringly.)  
  
GILES: Just me, honey. Go back to sleep.  
  
(XANDER starts, and falls off the couch. GILES  
continues on his way back up the stairs, but pauses on  
the second step. He blinks, then switches on a light.  
The room is now totally lit, and we see XANDER  
sprawled on the floor by the couch, looking up at  
GILES, who is staring from him, to the pot, and back  
to him.)  
  
GILES: Good lord, not again.  
  
(XANDER stands up too quickly, over balances, and  
falls over the back of the couch onto the coffee  
table. He winds up on the floor, with the pizza box  
on his head, and books scattered everywhere.)  
  
XANDER: You do this often?  
  
GILES: We were researching something....  
  
(The two look around at the books and trash.)  
  
XANDER: Looks like it.  
  
GILES: Yes. Must have gotten late,  
  
XANDER: The girls had already gone home,  
  
GILES: We decided to call it a night.  
  
XANDER: Sounds right to me.  
  
GILES: Only one question remains then.  
  
XANDER: Yes,  
  
(The next two lines are spoken at the same time)  
  
XANDER: What were we researching?  
  
GILES: Why on Earth didn't you go home?  
  
(They exchange a glance, and XANDER stands up, in the  
middle of the mess on the floor.)  
  
GILES: Well, yes, I suppose that's a good question as  
well....  
  
XANDER: No, you're right. Why DIDN'T I go home?  
  
(GILES raises an eyebrow, and moves to take another  
drink from the coffee pot, then grimaces, and sets it  
down on the stairs.)  
  
GILES: Something must have prevented it.  
  
XANDER: This being Sunnydale, that could be anything.  
  
GILES: I don't recall anything out of the ordinary,  
  
XANDER: Vampires, demons, werewolves, fairies,  
  
GILES: And you've always gone home before,  
  
XANDER: Come to think of it, that wasn't very  
intelligent of me, was it.  
  
GILES: No, that it wasn't.  
  
XANDER: But it must have been something,  
  
GILES: Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.  
  
XANDER: So what WERE we researching?  
  
GILES: We could always ask the girls,  
  
XANDER: And admit that we don't remember?  
  
GILES: Right, silly me, (he looks down at the coffee  
pot again.) I think I need some tea.  
  
XANDER: There's no time for that! We have to figure  
out what's going on! What do you remember?  
  
(GILES opens his mouth, then pauses.)  
  
GILES: I'm not sure. There was that Mohra demon,  
  
XANDER: No, that was last week. That demon ended up  
leaving town on its own.  
  
GILES: Oh, quite right. (He sits at the table, looking  
around at the various books) Buffy came after her  
patrol,  
  
XANDER: Willow was with her, and so was Tara,  
  
GILES: And you and Anya had been here for a little  
while.... (he thinks of something, looks around.)   
Where IS Anya?  
  
XANDER: She must have gone home.  
  
GILES: Really. I was under the impression the two of  
you were attached at the hip.  
  
XANDER: Though I'm not sure where her home is. Does  
she even have a home?  
  
GILES: She doesn't live with you?  
  
XANDER: If she did, would she go there when I was  
staying the night here?  
  
GILES: Demons. A demon. Or something. Spooked  
Buffy, or Willow, perhaps. We had to look into it.  
  
XANDER: Right. So we got out the books.... (He looks  
around.) A whole lot of them. It must have been  
something big.  
  
GILES: I just don't understand why we can't seem to  
remember.  
  
XANDER: Uncle Rory forgets things all the time. Of  
course, its usually because he was drunk,  
  
GILES: And I don't think I have a hangover....  
  
XANDER: I think I'd remember at least the first  
drink....  
  
(GILES picks up one of the books, and reads a few  
paragraphs. He picks up another, reading some of  
that. His head begins to move slowly back and forth  
between the two. XANDER watches, waiting. Finally,  
GILES sighs, and begins to beat his head against the  
books.)  
  
XANDER: Giles!  
  
(GILES stops, and leans back.)  
  
GILES: Nothing. Not a single similarity!   
  
(XANDER snatches one of the books.)  
  
XANDER: Let me try.  
  
GILES: Oh yes, because obviously you are so much more  
qualified to look than I am...  
  
(XANDER glares at him, but then reads. He pokes a  
triumphant finger at the page.)  
  
XANDER: Here! Invulnerability spell! That's  
important! (He grabs another book, and skims it) And  
this one is on gnomes. (He grabs a third book) And  
sun-worshiping. So obviously, some sun-worshiping  
gnomes were trying to gain invulnerability.... (He  
taps the book thoughtfully, then begins to look  
through some other books.)  
  
(GILES casts a sidelong look in his direction, then  
stands, and goes back into the kitchen. For several  
long moments, XANDER is the only one onstage, mumbling  
to himself. GILES reenters, a tea pot and a cup in  
his hands. He clears an area on the table, takes a  
sip, and leans back. XANDER sets down his books and  
looks up at him.)  
  
XANDER (pointing into another book with each  
statement): Okay, so if its gnomes were dealing with,  
then they would have to have some sort of earthly  
domain somewhere near the campus. A hill or  
something. But as sun-worshipers, they'd need ready  
access to the outside, somewhere where the students  
wouldn't see them. So they took over the lake in the  
park beside the campus, and built a small waterproof  
cave in the bottom of it, where the sun would filter  
through the water, and they could look upon it all the  
time. Now, when the selkies came through, demanding  
access, the gnomes felt threatened and.... no, wait,  
scratch the selkies. They have no trouble with  
gnomes. So it must have been the vampires. Some  
types of vampires have an aversion to running water,  
and they.... no no, the lake wouldn't be RUNNING  
water, would it. So it would have to be.... But then  
the invulnerability doesn't make sense....  
  
(GILES sips his tea, and begins shutting books.)  
  
XANDER: I don't think we knew what we were researching  
last night either.  
  
(GILES sighs, and glances around the room. His eyes  
land on a particular mug, one of the plastic ones with  
the lids. Its gray, with bright red lettering on the  
side exclaiming that everyone should be nice to the  
owner, because they gave blood. He walks over, and  
picks it up.)  
  
GILES: I remember.... Spike was here....  
  
(SPIKE steps into the door to the kitchen, and stands  
there silently. GILES walks over to him.)  
  
XANDER: I think you're right... He was worried about  
something.... And complaining....  
  
(XANDER walks over to the couch, and sits down. SPIKE  
steps forward, taking the mug from GILES, who leans  
tiredly up against the wall.)  
  
SPIKE (taking a drink from the mug): I think I heated  
this batch up too much. That bloody microwave of  
yours, (he glares at GILES, who rubs his eyes.) And  
this granola is disgusting.   
  
XANDER: The fact that you put granola in it is  
disgusting.  
  
GILES: Yes, well, if you don't mind, Spike, I'd much  
rather you weren't here. If you could explain your  
worries already?  
  
SPIKE: I don't know mate, its been awhile since I've  
had some nice blood. I've had to budget myself since  
I was kicked out of Willy's. Do you think I could  
stay a bit?  
  
GILES (pleasantly): No. Now PLEASE.  
  
(SPIKE raises his mug in a toast to GILES, and  
freezes. XANDER stands up from the couch, and walks  
back to the table.)  
  
XANDER: No, that's not quite right. Spike wasn't here  
until after the others.... I was just getting back  
from work, and I came to check in here. I was hanging  
around, and Anya arrived,  
  
(ANYA appears upstage, stage left. XANDER picks up  
the pizza box, and hands it off to her as she enters.)  
  
ANYA: Xander. I thought you'd be here. I brought  
pizza.  
  
(She freezes. GILES frowns.)  
  
GILES: Did she bring the pizza? I thought we had it  
delivered.  
  
(ANYA drops the box without moving.)  
  
XANDER: You're right. But she had something with  
her.... (He glances around the room, then spots a new  
hardcover book on the coffee table. He grabs it,  
holding it up.) She'd just found it at the store, and  
thought it was interesting. She brought it over to  
read if she got bored.  
  
(ANYA goes back into action, taking the book from  
XANDER and tucking it under her arm.)  
  
ANYA: So what sort of weird thingy do we need to know  
about tonight? (She sidles up to XANDER.) I was  
hoping we could have some time for US tonight.  
  
(GILES raises an eyebrow, and ANYA freezes against  
XANDER.)  
  
GILES (clearing his throat.): Really, Xander.  
  
(XANDER sighs, and steps to one side. ANYA  
reanimates)  
  
ANYA: Yell if you need help, (she sits down on the  
couch, her back to everyone, never once acknowledging  
SPIKE who remains frozen. GILES nods.)  
  
GILES: So we had Anya, and Spike, and the girls of  
course....  
  
(XANDER snaps his fingers.)  
  
XANDER: But they got here separately. Willow wanted  
to check on some components for a spell, so she and  
Tara got here a little before sunset.  
  
(WILLOW appears at the stairs. She picks up the  
coffee pot, and stirs the last of the contents with a  
finger.)  
  
WILLOW: I've got the beet root, sheep dip, and toad  
droppings, is there anything else I'm missing?  
  
(GILES looks ill, and ANYA glances up from her book.)  
  
ANYA: Clippings of newt toenail.  
  
WILLOW: Not that spell. I'm trying the  
invulnerability one. I figured it would help in  
trying to fight Adam.  
  
(ANYA and WILLOW freeze again. GILES looks pointedly  
at XANDER.)  
  
XANDER: So THAT'S where the invulnerability comes in.   
But what about the gnomes?  
  
GILES (drastically changing the subject.): Then Spike  
arrived shortly thereafter.  
  
(SPIKE unfreezes in mid toast.)  
  
SPIKE: Grade A pig's blood, by the way. Much better  
than the goat that I've been living on. Say, now that  
I have information again, will you let me stay--  
  
XANDER & GILES: No.  
  
SPIKE: Right. Whatever. Hey, Willow, is that an  
invisibility spell?  
  
(He freezes. XANDER frowns.)  
  
XANDER: He really wasn't much help, was he.  
  
GILES: He never is. I still don't understand why you  
stayed the night.  
  
XANDER: We haven't gotten that far yet. We still need  
to get Buffy and Riley here.  
  
(BUFFY and RILEY appear at the window, in front of  
which a Gatoraide bottle and a Sprite are placed.)  
  
GILES: As I recall, they arrived in a bit of a hurry.  
  
(BUFFY leaps through the window, grabbing the Sprite  
bottle as she goes. She lands gracefully in front of  
ANYA, who raises her book up and looks affronted.   
SPIKE turns, as though having been reading over ANYA's  
shoulder, and grins at BUFFY, who glares back. RILEY  
climbs through more neatly, picking up the Gatoraide.)  
  
BUFFY: What's the limey doing here?  
  
(GILES clears his throat.)  
  
BUFFY: Oh you don't count as a limey, Giles. You've  
become too Americanized.  
  
GILES: Congratulations, Buffy, you've just managed to  
think of the most insulting thing you could have ever  
said to me.  
  
SPIKE: More so than the time she--  
  
GILES: I stand corrected. (He glares at SPIKE, who  
grins wickedly. ANYA returns to her book unperturbed.  
WILLOW steps in front of RILEY, coffee pot in hand.)  
  
WILLOW: Hey, Riley, try a sip of this. I need to be  
sure its ready.  
  
(RILEY sniffs the pot, recoils, and looks over to  
GILES)  
  
RILEY: We have a problem.  
  
(Everyone but XANDER and GILES freeze. They stare at  
each other for a long moment.)  
  
XANDER: And then what happened?  
  
GILES: I was hoping you'd remember,  
  
XANDER: Maybe it was the gnomes?  
  
(The two look from the other frozen characters, to the  
mess of books, and then to each other.)  
  
XANDER (sitting down at the dining room table): Here's  
new one, researching what we were researching....  
  
(The lights fade down. End act 1)  
  
Act 2  
(Same setting. The arm (and XANDER) are back on the  
couch. All the props are in the approximate place  
that they ended up in at the end of scene one, sans  
character holding them. Only XANDER is on stage, and  
apparently asleep. His arm begins to move again, and  
the moaning starts. This time, however, it is much  
more... upset. Though the moans are incoherent, there  
is a sense of urgency, and fear to them. GILES  
appears as before, and makes his way across the stage.  
This time, when he bumps into the coffee table, he  
seems to wake up more.)  
  
GILES: Xander?  
  
(XANDER sits up with a start. He looks around wildly,  
and spots GILES.)  
  
XANDER: Giles. What's up?  
  
(GILES looks at him for a moment. The confusion on  
XANDER's face slowly fades into surprise as the  
realization sets in. He looks around the room again.)  
  
XANDER: Good lord, not again.  
  
(Both characters pause at this, but then continue.)  
  
GILES: What are you doing here?  
  
XANDER: I don't know. But I had the weirdest dream,  
(he looks around) which is seeming more and more not  
dreamish,  
  
GILES: Yes, I know what you mean. This is... quite  
unsettling.  
  
XANDER: We were researching,  
  
GILES: Again,  
  
XANDER: To figure out what we were researching,  
  
GILES: It's all very vague,  
  
XANDER: Do you remember going to sleep?  
  
GILES: No. But apparently we did.  
  
(XANDER spots the coffee pot, and grabs it.)  
  
XANDER: I've got it! Willow's spell. She was trying  
to make an invisibility.... no, inVULnerability spell.  
But she wasn't sure of the components. She must have  
made an anti- memory spell.  
  
GILES: That's AMNESIA spell, and I sincerely doubt it.  
The components in an amnesia spell are no where near  
those of an invulnerability spell. Besides, we didn't  
drink any of it.  
  
XANDER: Well, I didn't.  
  
(GILES looks ill.)  
  
GILES: Yes, whatever, the point is, that can't be it.   
  
  
XANDER: Right. Because if it were an amnesia spell,  
then you wouldn't remember the part about not being  
able to remember the part about.... no, wait.... You  
wouldn't... (He trails off, then puts his head in his  
hand.) I have a headache.  
  
GILES: Our hangover theory is looking more and more  
accurate,  
  
XANDER: No, that's not it. I remember Spike,  
  
GILES: Yes, we've been over that,  
  
XANDER: No, you don't understand. I remember Spike,  
and Willow's spell.... But what was Riley worried  
about?  
  
GILES: He did say that they had a problem,  
  
XANDER: Dammit. Why can't we remember?  
  
GILES: It is rather distressing, yes. Perhaps we  
should try to take up where we left of?  
  
XANDER: A time flux!  
  
GILES: Pardon me?  
  
XANDER: A time flux! They did it in Star Trek, and in  
Groundhog Day and the X-Files, and even in Xena!   
We're doomed to relive the same morning over and over  
again, until we get it right!  
  
GILES: Xander, that's preposterous. First off, it  
doesn't come close to explaining why we can't remember  
last night--or two nights ago--or whenever it  
happened, and secondly LIFE ISN'T LIKE TELEVISION.  
  
(XANDER gives GILES an odd look at this.)  
  
XANDER: Right, I forgot, our lives are WEIRDER than  
TV. Think about it, Giles, do you remember going to  
bed? Either time?  
  
GILES: No, and neither do you. But I don't see why  
that--  
  
XANDER: I don't even remember why I'm still here! Why  
didn't I go home? (He stands and begins to pace.)  
  
GILES: We need to work through this logically. What's  
the last thing you remember?  
  
(XANDER thinks about this.)  
  
XANDER: We were going through the books, looking  
for.... something. We were trying to find the  
connection between what we'd been looking at the night  
before.... If it even was the night. Dammit, Giles,  
we don't even know if what we know is true!  
  
GILES (staring off into the fourth wall): Truth is  
only that which is taken to be true.   
  
XANDER: What? That doesn't make any sense.  
  
GILES: Doesn't it? It's a line from a Tom Stoppard  
show I remember from Oxford. "Everything has to be  
taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to  
be true. It's the currency of living. There may be  
nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference  
so long as it is honoured."  
  
XANDER (rolling his eyes): Great. Fine. Dandy. But  
what does it mean?  
  
GILES (ignoring him): "One acts on assumptions. What  
do you assume?"  
  
XANDER: That who ever this Tom guy was, he had too  
much to say. Can we get back to the matter at hand?  
  
GILES (walking around to sit at the table.): Actually,  
I think we may be on to something. This whole  
situation is in fact rather similar to that of  
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  
  
XANDER: Rosenwhat and Guildenwho?  
  
GILES: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They are two  
characters from Hamlet.  
  
XANDER (nodding): Alas poor Yorick, I am dead Horatio.  
  
GILES: Something to that effect, yes. The point is,  
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were two characters,  
created at random, without a great deal of character  
development, who were thrown into a situation beyond  
their control, and told, quite simply, to fix it.   
They were then killed, as a bit of a side note. Tom  
Stoppard wrote an entire play based on those two  
characters, titled Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are  
Dead.  
  
XANDER: And what does that have to do with us?  
  
GILES: The two characters spend Tom Stoppard's entire  
play trying to figure out what it is they're supposed  
to be doing. They have no memory of the past, little  
concept of the future, and seem to be transported from  
situation to situation without any concept of "how".   
The only things they know are based upon what others  
have told them, and upon their own confused concept of  
reality.  
  
XANDER: So we're Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?  
  
GILES: To some extent, yes.  
  
XANDER: Great. So how did they solve things?  
  
GILES: Actually, they didn't. They die at the end.  
  
XANDER (deadpan): Oh. (Sits down at the table, and  
puts his head in his hands) We're doomed.  
  
GILES: Quite.  
  
(They sit there for a long moment, trying to figure  
out what to do. XANDER spots something at the center  
of the table, and picks it up. It is a small key  
card, like from a hotel.)  
  
XANDER: Maybe this has something to do with  
everything.  
  
GILES: What is it?  
  
XANDER: An electronic key. You slide it through a  
slot, and it sends a message to the lock. It's blank  
though. (He turns it over in his hands.) Do you  
suppose its from the Initiative?  
  
GILES: It's a possibility. But what would it be doing  
here?  
  
XANDER (standing again): Wait, I think we're on to  
something. Riley arrived with Buffy, right?   
  
(BUFFY and RILEY both enter through the window again,  
this time without nearly as much fanfare. RILEY picks  
up his gatoraide, and gestures purposefully towards  
the two at the table.)  
  
RILEY: We've got trouble.  
  
GILES: What is it?  
  
RILEY: Someone broke into the Initiative compound.  
  
XANDER: (holding the card up triumphantly): Finally,  
we're getting somewhere!  
  
(RILEY, though frozen, glares at XANDER. So does  
GILES.)  
  
GILES: Don't interrupt my train of thought.  
  
XANDER: Sorry, you were saying?  
  
(RILEY unfreezes)  
  
RILEY: Someone broke into the Initiative compound. As  
far as we can tell, they managed to get a hold of  
several important documents pertaining to the  
experiments we were performing.  
  
GILES: Good Lord. Any idea who it could have been?  
  
RILEY: All I know is that my men managed to get a few  
shots off, but the guy just kept running.  
  
BUFFY: A demon obviously.  
  
RILEY: Or a vampire.  
  
(SPIKE enters from the kitchen area, holding a  
sandwich.)  
  
SPIKE: Giles, I'm shocked! This isn't even real Mayo!  
  
XANDER: Wasn't Spike already by the couch?  
  
GILES: Does it matter?  
  
(XANDER shrugs. He gives SPIKE a long glance,  
pondering.)  
  
GILES: Of course, we still haven't explained the  
gnomes. Or why we seem to be stuck, continually, in  
the same situation.  
  
XANDER: Maybe the we thought that gnomes broke into  
the Initiative? And now we have to go back and  
reresearch, because we were wrong?  
  
(GILES gives him a doubtful look, then shrugs.)  
  
GILES: All we can do is try....  
  
(Lights dim. End act 2)  
  
Act 3  
(Guess where our scene is. That's right, same room,  
though this time, in a rather extreme state of  
disarray. Chairs are turned over by the dinning room  
table, the coffee table has been broken in half, and  
various books are scattered all about. All props are  
as they were at the end of the second scene, and  
XANDER is back on the couch. This time, as he sleeps,  
he seems to be fighting something off. Finally, as  
GILES makes his way down the stairs, XANDER sits up  
and screams)  
  
XANDER: NO! (Sits gasping for a long moment. His  
scream is shortly followed by the lights coming up in  
full as GILES, startled, hits the lightswitch.)  
  
GILES: Xander, are you quite alright?   
  
(XANDER simply gasps for breath for another long  
moment before nodding. He looks up at GILES,  
confused. Both take long glances around them.)  
  
GILES & XANDER: Good lord, not again.  
  
XANDER (shaking his head): We so need a new catch  
phrase.  
  
GILES: Er, quite. However, I think we should be  
better off if we focus instead on how to get ourselves  
out of this infernal situation.  
  
(XANDER stands and walks around the couch. He looks  
around.)  
  
XANDER: Wow, Giles, you so need to get a woman in  
here.  
  
GILES (noticing the mess for the first time): I-I  
think this may be a clue.  
  
XANDER: We were attacked?  
  
GILES: And I'm not so sure we won.  
  
XANDER: We've got to go find the girls then. They  
could be in big trouble. (He starts for the front  
door. GILES grabs him by the arm.)  
  
GILES: Xander, we can't just go flying off the handle  
here. We need to go about this rationally.  
  
XANDER: I am going about this rationally, Giles. The.  
Girls. Are. In. Trouble.   
  
GILES: We don't know that. They may be perfectly  
safe. Besides, we cannot be sure of the-the state of  
the world as it stands. The light out that window  
hasn't changed once in... however long we've been  
doing this. We don't know why we're here, we don't  
know why we're being forced to repeat the same moment  
over and over again. All we do know is that there was  
trouble. Someone had broken into the Initiative.  
  
XANDER: This isn't the same, Giles.  
  
GILES: Isn't it? Waking up, with no memory of having  
gone to sleep. I come down the stairs and you--  
  
XANDER: I screamed. (Pause) I didn't do that last  
time.   
  
GILES: No. No, I guess you didn't.  
  
XANDER: And just look at this apartment.  
  
GILES: I think things may be, at last, coming to  
head....  
  
XANDER (muttered, barely audible): Spike....  
  
GILES: What was that?  
  
XANDER: Spike. For some reason, my mind keeps coming  
back to Spike. He was here, even after Buffy went  
back out to look for Riley's demon....  
  
GILES: Don't be silly. Spike is harmless, so long as  
he has that.... (his voice trails off as realization  
hits.) The chip.  
  
XANDER: A demon. In the Initiative.  
  
GILES: Important documents were stolen....  
  
XANDER: And the key card, on your dining room  
table....  
  
GILES: I wouldn't have thought him capable. To take  
such steps, on his own, without provocation.  
  
XANDER: He's evil. He was in charge, once.  
  
GILES: He's been such... such a nuisance....   
  
XANDER: He's defeated two Slayers.... Willow left  
with Buffy.  
  
GILES: What?  
  
XANDER: I'm starting to remember. We were  
researching, trying to find something useful for  
Riley. He and Buffy decided to go patrol again.   
Willow--  
  
GILES: Went with them. Yes. She and Tara wanted to  
try some of the Invulnerability spell.  
  
XANDER: They took some, in a coffee mug, and left the  
pot....  
  
GILES: What about Anya?  
  
XANDER: I-I don't know. It's not all there yet.   
Giles, we've got to go find them. Make sure they're  
okay.  
  
GILES: No, Xander. For the moment, we must stay here,  
where it is safe. We'll go as soon as we figure out  
precisely what it is that has happened.   
  
XANDER: I can't just wait around.  
  
GILES (angry): Then don't, Xander! Sit down, for  
once, have patience, and let me work this out! This  
has been a frustrating.... WHATEVER, for both of us.   
  
XANDER: We've tried sitting down, Giles. It hasn't  
gotten us anywhere. Maybe its time we acted! Maybe,  
if we leave this apartment— (a sharp pounding sounds  
from the hall to the kitchen. XANDER whips his head  
in that direction sharply) what--  
  
GILES: The bathroom.  
  
(Both move in that direction, slowly. XANDER picks up  
a bottle from the kitchen counter and holds it as a  
weapon. The pounding increases. Screaming is heard.)  
  
ANYA: Xander?! Xander, let me out of here!!  
  
XANDER (dropping the bottle): Anya. She's locked in  
the bathroom. (Yelling) Don't worry, An, we'll get  
you out in a moment!  
  
ANYA: Xander?! Anyone? Please, is anyone there?!  
  
XANDER: Anya!! ANYA!!!! (She continues to plead,  
ignoring him.) Giles, why can't she hear me?  
  
GILES: I... don't know. We'd better let her out  
though...  
  
(They move swiftly towards the hallway, but are  
interrupted as the outside door swings open, and BUFFY  
enters. Unlike her memory counterpart, she is dressed  
in a sundress, and moves carefully, as though unsure  
of the situation.)  
  
BUFFY: Hello? Giles?  
  
(GILES spins.)  
  
GILES: Buffy, thank God you're okay. There's  
something terribly wrong.  
  
(BUFFY ignores him. She turns slowly around, scanning  
the room, before her eyes finally land on the coffee  
table.)   
  
BUFFY: Xander. (She moves towards it, then her eyes  
spot something by the fallen chairs.) Giles. Oh my  
god....  
  
ANYA: Buffy?! Buffy, let me out!  
  
GILES: (staring down at BUFFY): I'm right here, Buffy.  
  
BUFFY: Anya? Anya, what happened? (She hurries off  
into the hall by the kitchen. GILES watches her go.   
XANDER stares down at the coffee table.)  
  
XANDER: Spike.... (He spots the coffee pot, sitting  
amidst the mess, half hidden. He picks it up, and we  
see its empty.) Oh god....  
  
GILES: We-we must keep out heads. Stay rationale.   
We're safe here.  
  
XANDER: I don't think we are. Giles....  
  
GILES: Yes. Safe. So long as we stay here.... Stick  
together....  
  
(BUFFY and ANYA reenter. ANYA's clothing is rumpled,  
and she looks as though she's been hit. She's  
crying.)  
  
ANYA: Oh god, Xander....  
  
BUFFY: Anya, what happened after I left?  
  
(ANYA kneels by the coffee table, bent over as though  
holding something large. BUFFY kneels by the chairs.)  
  
ANYA: I-I don't know. I got up to head for the  
bathroom. I heard Spike rambling on about...  
something, and then I was shoved into the room. I hit  
my head on the bathtub.... and then I woke and I was  
locked in, and no one was answering....  
  
BUFFY (standing quickly): I'll call for an ambulance.  
  
ANYA: It was Spike. He must have found a way to get  
rid of the chip.  
  
XANDER (to GILES): She's right. (to ANYA) Don't cry,  
An, it'll be okay.... (He takes a step towards her.  
GILES restrains him)  
  
GILES: No, Xander, it could be a trick. We have to  
stay together.  
  
(XANDER shakes him off and steps forward. He pauses  
between GILES and ANYA, and looks back.)  
  
GILES: Stay with me.  
  
ANYA: Xander, wake up....  
  
XANDER: An.... (to GILES) I can't. I think they're  
right.  
  
GILES: Stay here, Xander. (He continues, though  
XANDER's already moving towards ANYA) Xander, stay  
with me. (XANDER lays carefully down so that he's  
cradled in ANYA's arms)  
  
XANDER (weakly, as though just waking up): ...an...?  
  
GILES (quietly, defeated): Where its safe....  
  
ANYA: Xander! I thought you were dead!  
  
XANDER (trying to sit up, one hand on his head): I'm  
not?  
  
GILES: I need to act rationally. (He stands, staring  
at the two. XANDER is no longer aware of him.)  
  
ANYA (visually restraining herself from hitting him.):  
Don't scare me like that!  
  
XANDER: I had the strangest dream.... (Tries to sit  
up, and falls half over, hand on his head. He looks  
over at the chairs.) Giles. Is he--?  
  
ANYA: I don't know.  
  
BUFFY (returning from the kitchen): Xander! The  
ambulance is on its way.  
  
(XANDER starts crawling towards the chairs. ANYA  
helps him over.)  
  
XANDER: Giles? Giles, wake up.  
  
GILES: No. Xander, the situation is too uncertain....  
  
(BUFFY begins performing CPR over the chairs.)  
  
XANDER: Wake up, Giles.  
  
GILES: I-I must research... we must be sure....  
  
XANDER: Wake up.  
  
ANYA: Xander....  
  
GILES: Its safe....  
  
(Ambulances are heard approaching in the distance.   
BUFFY gets more frantic in her movements)  
  
XANDER: Wake up.  
  
GILES: I--  
  
XANDER: Just... wake up.  
  
(GILES looks down at them. BUFFY is crying. He  
wavers for a long moment. XANDER seems to look  
straight at him.)  
  
XANDER: Giles. Take the risk. Wake up.  
  
(GILES stares down at him. He looks at BUFFY, working  
to revive him, and ANYA, who's just looking  
shellshocked, still holding XANDER. He looks back at  
XANDER, who holds his gaze.)  
  
GILES: Okay.   
  
(He steps forward, and lies down beneath BUFFY's  
hands. A moment later, he begins coughing. BUFFY  
sits back, grinning. The ambulances come closer.   
GILES sits up as well as he can, and looks over at  
XANDER.)  
  
GILES: But... what about... the gnomes?  
  
(Paramedics come running into the room, and blackout.   
end act 3) 


End file.
